32flavors.N.thenSOME

Blogging became a necessity, more like of a life support, in the past few weeks. The need to blog was so intense yet I never gave-in because I decided to exercise caution and self-control under tensed situations such as those recent events.

And yes, I also decided to abstain from reacting and saying things that others might deem inappropriate. However today, I gave in to the urge. I think it’s about time I let every thought flow freely without guilt, without repression, without hesitation.

Recently, Carhrihl was hospitalized. I felt scared and alone. Seeing my daughter vomiting pools of blood scared the bejesus out of me. However, I felt the need to be strong at that very moment. My whole spirit was slowly dying as my mother-in-law and I tried to convince and console Carhrihl to allow the nurse to take samples of her blood.

My daughter was crying and fighting against the hands that tried to pin her down to the hospital bed. She fought like her own life depended on it. My heart was breaking and I was silently screaming in pain too. I was silently wishing things didn’t turn out this way, or maybe perhaps, I can just take my daughter’s place instead so she wouldn’t have to go through the pain of the needles and the rest of the god-knows what medical procedures the doctors might suggest later on.

It was heart-breaking to see Carhrihl in pain but I felt that breaking-down was an act uncalled-for for a mother like me. I could not afford to let my daughter see that just like anyone else, I can be weak and weary.

It’s hard to be brave and strong at times.

Sometimes there is that need and desire to breakdown and just let someone else hold you close. Sometimes there is that need to have someone nearby whenever I feel like being a child, frightened and dependent.

There are days when I feel that things could be a bit better if there was someone who can be just there for me unconditionally. There are days when I just wish I can be just weak and that someone else can take-charge and defend and protect me from the uncertainties and injustices of my-so-called life.

Bernard visited Carhrihl twice in the hospital. He didn’t even stay long enough,not even like for half an hour or so perhaps. I never talked to him except in small and quick responses and comments. I honestly wanted to talk to him and ask him to be just there for the kid. We necessarily don’t have to talk to each other while he stays with her, I can always pretend I’m busy with something or probably feign sleep.

ButI didn’t dare converse with him about the situation. I don’t want him to think or anyone else to think that I was still running after him (like some insecure people out there are trying to say). You see, his presence in the hospital could have been enough but it seemed he never realized that. I don’t want to say that he didn’t care about the kid, he does. But he isn’t just what we expect him to be. And I’d rather leave him alone and let him realize things on his own.

Yes, I am open to dating but as I’ve said I’m not looking for anything serious or lasting. A commitment is the last thing that I need right now. I am happy although there were and will be several lonely moments in my life. But then again, I don’t need a man to complete myself.

Probably, a few months or years from now I might want to consider getting serious with someone moreover it’s not a need right now.

I’m just tired.

P.S. thanks to YANEE & ED; MIKO & JHAY; LEMZ; ALLAN; ANN; AND THE REST OF YOU GUYS..u know who you are.

This entry was posted on April 9, 2007 at 3:36 am and is filed under Uncategorized . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.